A True Story Of A Homeless Man

خاطرات يك آواره

Since I am not a writer , if there are any writers or good in English, who would like to correct the mistakes (Grammar or Dictation) in this story, I would appreciate to send me your comments. I hope you enjoy this real Survivor story.

Good Morning,

This is God,

I will be handling all of your problems Today, I will not need your help so have a Miraculous day!

I don’t claim to be a writer, so please forgive me if there are so many mistakes or grammar problems. There was long time I was trying to bring my life on the paper; I was always looking for a reason to do that? What? I am not sure. Maybe I could not type it in Persian. Or I had no reason to share it with others. There was a time I was good in writing. I was writing all the love letters for my pals who they were in love with some one and they were trying to impress them with my lines. I did not predict one day I will mix couple of languages which now I have even hard time to write in my own language.. I try to bring this Journey in simple language

Long time ago, when I was homeless my dad advised me: write about your life story you might be able to sell in future, it takes your mind of your problems and you might make some money as well. Maybe if my dad were not thinking too much about money I would not be home less in first place. While I was going through rough time, I wrote and wrote. Maybe it was too exciting or too sad which he destroyed the book himself. And we never talked about it ever. Before my notes get destroyed so many people read them, and each they had different feeling about it. I try to write it again, you might like it , if you have patient enough to finish it

I read so many books before I start my journey and who me? Some one who never could stay in one place and did not have enough patients. I got interested in reading. Books like Papillion life story, Well I always thought they will help me in my trips. Life stories like Charlie Chaplin and like this.

I go back a little, may be I can make a good intro for this story. I don’t claim, I am a good writer however I try my best to describe it. At least this is true story and is not like those stories you read in the magazines every week and in the end of story keeps you in your misery until next time.

Tehran, 1987, standing in the hood. In our own word try to make the best out of our time from nothing to zero. Or vise versa. Ever teen were trying to skip the Military. We were planning in every way to run away from going to war. After all it was not our war and we were trying to stay alive. With all the hard time we had, there were wonderful. We had our dreams. Stay in the way of our girl friend to meet them. We were loyal to our friendships, we were pure and we were in love. In better word, we loved to love. As soon as we were learning a new word about love we were passing it to our lovers and were were writing it down in case we forget it.

 We were reading love stories from writer R-Etemadi like Shabeh_irani ( Iranian night ) or Kafshhayeh ghamgin Eshgh ( Sad shoes of love ) we used to listen to songs from Javad Yasari or Abbas Ghaderi and try to be the man in the hood. The man! Dance competitions, and fighting with brothers who never understood what is the meaning of brotherhood. I mean Islamic military police.

They did not want to understand, there is more in to love than hate and name it love. Getting bit up and getting free haircuts by special Islamic force. Make the story short; I am sure most of these have happened to our young and old generation. Well maybe not that far back. Well I was like other young ones, I wanted to get out. I wanted to live. To be someone. And to be able to have choice and chose my life. Not to die for some thing which I did not even believe in it. I wanted to see abroad. Some how I was trying to runaway from family responsibilities, Military and Hard University life. There was Play by Mrs. Ahoo Kheradmand good friend of mine who used to say: my mom wished me to become a Doctor and my dad wishes me to become an engineer. I did not become any of them and end up being Delivery boy.

After all the hard time we had in High school, and after going through hell with family I made them send me out of Iran. I was telling them, if I go I will make something out of myself and if I stay I will end up to go to Heaven like my girlfriend cousin who dead meat

After couple of pre arranged meeting, they arranged my trip. I was not sure if I should be happy or sad. I could not scream and tell every one which I am going toward freedom since it was not a normal vacation trip. Every thing was supposed to be hidden. Like every one of my friends, which after a while we would notice he is disappeared, if he was not coming back dead, we knew he is gone out of the country.

We used to spend most of our Thursday evenings on Sarsabil Street, I remember last day me and couple of guys and my pal (my cousin) we went for a walk. We used to go all the way to the end of street, which was about an hour or so. That day I was trying to say good-bye to all the regular locations which we spent our spare times. My cousin was telling me, “The way you are looking at these places, like you don’t want to come back anymore” poor guy, he would have been felt it right. I love to tell him, however, bustard smuggler has told me, you will not talk to any one other wise the whole trip will collapse. And hey I had no experience, I was a kind of kid which were home every night at 9 pm the latest, I did not want anything rune our plan.

Last night, I went to Gym (Zoorkhaneh) and after working out, said good bye to all the equipments. And kissed the holy one for the last time. And paid my respect.

I was too proud to cry and see my tears are dropping. At my place, I said good-bye to my room and before I notice I was talking to the books and bookshelves. I was telling them take care of my brothers.

For the last time I had read the story of Papillion’s book. And I was reminding myself which I have to be brave. As I said I was kind of guy was home every night at nine. The only trip I was by myself was going to battled field. And my only wrong move was staying at gym over time. No I was not the holy man either, I did my things as well. Like harassing the girls on the way of school or dance competition in the battlefield and while they were praying, stealing dates for our snacks. Well dance competition in that situation was they only fun we had while every one had hard time, us, kids from Tehran and poor kids from small towns. Well I was not into drug or alcohol, I was not like others Islamic militant which they were smuggling drug or bringing self made alcohol to drink in the desert. Like those which they were chewing hash instead of date in the dessert. We were calling them, the Nation who is always in heaven.

On the day, I was getting to go. My mom was holding the holy Koran and burning seeds (spand) I was trying to ignore this step of leaving. I always hated to say good-bye. I was trying some how to skip this part; she was prying while she hugged me. No one tried to turn on the lights. Like from the lights every one in the neighborhood could find out I am leaving. It was a while which my brother and me were not talking to each other. He came forward, he was crying silently. I did not see why I should hide my tears, I hugged him as well. We were trying to talk with out any words for every moment we did not talk. I cannot describe in any language how we were feeling that moment and what we went through.

Well the moment came and I flow toward the magic city of Zahedan. Even though I had diploma in English, but while I was sitting in my sit, was looking on the dictionary and looking for the words like: refugee, homeless, war, and similar. Smuggler had told upon arrival to Karachi you will go to united nation high commissars for refugees and you will say only one liner: I want to be refugee. That’s it and they will send you to any country you like. Or in three month you will go to Sweden. Well what a dream.

In Zahedan, we stayed in a place for a short period of time which that was enough to taste the chili for the first time in my dish. After a while they came after me with a small pick up truck. And we left toward out of the city. For me which every thing was new, was exciting even dressing as a Pakistani man. Driver stared to push the gas, I though hey this is cool. But shortly after like 007 movies he said if we get chased with police you got to jump, I said hell no. With over 100 kilometer per hour you want me to jump out of the car who do you think I am, Rambo?!! I watched Rambo movies and some others like that incase I have to copy their moves but I did not expect to be able to do or have to do them as well. Well finally out of town, me and one of the local man got of the car and head to the desert. He asked me if I do any sport, I said yes I am an excellent sport man: wrong answer, I did not know they would use that later. He said you seem like a sport man, you are strong. I asked why? Do I have to do any labor work? He answered no incase if we everything goes smooth we will ride the camel. I said to myself hey even Rambo did not ride the camel and I will. Is better than walking for long time. And I am talking about long time, over 30 hour. I was into myself and my thoughts which we heard scream I felt there is something going on. I asked are we going to jump or something, he said no, the other driver in second car is been arrested. We have to walk toward mountain and wait in there. As soon as we got out of the car, the driver disappeared. And we went in dark. I asked how long before we get to the camel, he said, we will not get into the camel tonight since we have to hide in the mountain tonight. Ten-minute walk end up to be couple of hours. Well it was desert and dark. It was not like we were at the beach or something. So time was even felt longer.

I spent the whole next day between the rocks and listen to the radio. It was Thursday afternoon, automatically I remembered our fun time with my cousin and I felt homesick. But I could get over it since I was excited for my journey.

Next night we started our walk again. We had to walk during the night other wise they could see us. We walked over 10 more hours. My knees were burning. I forget about the mussel pain. But I could not dare to complain. Well I had my athletic pride.

I think it was almost two days we were circling around the desert or we were going somewhere. We were always in the dark. I could not see to far ahead of me so I had to follow the guy. Finally we got the camels and some who was taking care of them. I was so happy to see our ride is there. I was so hungry, last couple of days we had just some pieces of fruit or dry meat and some bread. New guy gave me an apple and piece of bread. I am not sure how did I ate them. But I was so thirsty who I sucked the apple for it’s juice. After 3 days of walking which was around 32 hours having the camel do the job seemed like fun. I asked how long the ride is. He said 3 hours; I said is that like 3 hours of walking? With sarcastic tone of voice. He said no we couldn’t joke with camel. Well, this 3 hours camel ride end up being worse than the whole walking hours. For next three days I could not sit with out using something soft. My behind was so soared and painful for couple of days after. It was my first and last time and hey it was another experience. Right?

Well we got to the point which was the border and we had to be even more careful. We started to walk with the same guy and new one. This one was another 10 hours of walk that was more like rock climbing rather than walking. Worse was I had cold and I was getting thirsty faster than normal and I could not even sneeze since the sound was echoing in the rocks and that was not good. Every time I was going to sneeze I had to hide my head in my jacket and use it as a silencer. After a while I noticed a spring and two other guys drank fast and left, it was still dark and we could not make any extra noise. I am not sure how much I drank but seems like I was trying to store more than I could drink since I was not sure how long more we had to go before to get to the next location. I was drinking which I noticed I am by myself. I rushed to reach them which my coat got to the barb wire beside the spring.  I could not scream or any way tell the others which I am stuck here. Finally I got myself out and ran after them. Finally we got to the point which one of them said here is Pakistan border, that’s it. I said hey we are free. He said don’t get to excited from here on we have to be worry about Pakistani militant. So we are not home free yet. Their police are worse than Iranian police.

 

The best way to predict the future is to invent it. - Alan Kay

After this point we did not walk much longer. After a short walk we got to some desert made rest places. And we got into some landrace pick up trucks. These cars made for sand driving. So they were higher shocks. They added some more Iranian guys, which there got there earlier. No one was talking to each other. I was still in shock for the hours of walking and specially that camel ridding. Every one of my mussels was aching. We drove like we were crawling in the sand. I noticed they are hiding not because they don’t know how to drive. No one still was talking. Silence was worse. We were dieing to talk and talk about what has happened to us and share the moments. But…

I was in these thoughts which driver asked every one hang on to something and sit tide. We are going to fly, and hell he meant that when he said flying. 170 per hour in the sand. I could not believe the way these guys driving. They were dame good. Exactly like sand racing in the TV shows. We were 3 pick up truck back to back. I was just thinking one little mistake and we would really fly and roll over. I said are these guys in hurry or something, some one answered, no, if police see the trucks they will shoot without any questioning. During this driving we switched the trucks and houses couple of times.

We got to the area which all was large tents. We got into one of them and a local lady purred some tea in special cups, every one was thirsty, I am not sure how many of these little cups we drunk, but we got to the point we had enough but we did not want to be impolite and say no. one the guys said hey I don’t want to drink any more we got to find out a way to tell the host. One of them who understood the language, said if you don’t want to drink you should flip the cup up side down, that means you are fine, as long as you leave the cup in front of you means you like to drink and host will pure. As soon as we heard that every one of us we turned the cups.

Until we get to the first real city of Pakistan, we switched couple of houses and so many cars. During this driving, slowly slowly every one started to talk and describe how we should do when we get to Karachi. And how we should talk to UN. The interesting was, every one who was related to a certain politic group was trying to promote the group. I did not want to get involve with politic so I tried to ignore the conversation. The first modern city of Pakistan was worse than our own villages. For the first time after couple days we could get shower and clean up. A young Jew family and me we got in to a van and continue the next day toward Karachi. Well this was the best part of my trip in last couple of day. The road we were driving, at least seemed like civilized road. I thought at least there is not police to bug us anymore which driver said no one goes by himself since if local police doubt on us we will get arrested. We don’t have any papers and they will know we are illegal immigrants.

After couple of days driving we got to Karachi. And at least clean hotel. After long time and maybe for a long time I had a nice clean breakfast. For the first time I put on my sleeveless shirt which we were wishing for long time to be able to wear it while we were walking on the street. I shaved my beard, which I did not for long time since I was trying to look like locals. All the ladies took their scarf off. Every body was happy. I was feeling weird without beard and with sleeveless shirt. I was not used to it. I was feeling shy in front of the ladies. Even looking at the ladies without scarf. Movie posters on the billboard, colored dresses. There were no more long dark Islamic dresses. Every thing was different. Seemed like we came to different planet or something.

Next morning, we went to the hotel lobby and I could use my English for the first time and I was trying to be interpreter for the family, I felt proud which my English could be useful.

The same guy who left me first time at Zahedan, he came and picked me up here. When he asked me about my trip I remembered my pain and how tired I was last couple of days.

My kneecaps still were burning. Excitement of the trip made me forget every thing. He took me to his own home in part of town which was Bulloch community. We got home an old lady came to the door. Well he went back to Iran the next day and asked me to stay till you find a place. Next day, a guy my own age came and introduce himself as old ladies son. He could speak Farsi. Well he was half Pakistani and half Iranian. He was not sure which country he should choose.

He told me later which every one tries to escape Iran and come here and I have to go to Iran since there is better opportunity for him to live there. Well what could I say? He was a nice and smart kid. We got close very soon and he asked me to stay with them longer before I find a place.

Soon I became like celebrity between this community since I was the only Persian and white guy and I was mussel man to them. Some kids they were comparing me with John Rambo. I stayed with this family close to one month. Every night we were going to the beach or playing with Atari games. And other leisure’s. I remember the first English movie, Commando with Arnold schweitzenager.

Days were passing after the days and I lost my hope to go to Sweden or talking to UN. They were just helping very hot cases. Humanity meant nothing. If you had a paper work which shows you killed someone or you will be killed or chased by the government, maybe. Otherwise you meant nothing to them.

You could not go to Europe unless you have a big bag of money.

One day, I was walking by myself on the street which I decided to chase a beautiful lady. Maybe I get a date or something. And test my English in real job! Well I walked after her for a while which I got nothing except I got lost. Well I didn’t dare to tell her anything. When I went back I told the story, they reminded me which Pakistan is worse than Iran if they catch you with a woman who is not your relative. You will get punished much harder.

One of the guys who was trying to practice his English with talking to me (poor him) and that’s why we got friend. He suggested finding me a woman. Well, who I was to say not this offer. I said I don’t have anything against it but what’s the catch? He said, I will help you find a Pakistani woman and you help me to find a Persian one for marrying me. I said God help you. I said: we are not here on vacation, we are all immigrant and we are trying to go to somewhere else. I don’t think a Persian woman wants to marry you. Well in very polite way I was trying to tell him. He is not Iranian woman taste. Well at least those women who were in Karachi and waiting to get out of there. Well I accepted the deal. What could I lose? Part of Zero is still is Zero. However I did know this Pakistani lady whom he is going to introduce to me does not speak any English. So I had to learn some Urdu.  And I have only 3 days to do so. I found out there will be a pick nick on the way which couple of young female and male are planning to meet out town. And one of them is me. First I did not know what’s going on and one dating means a lot to these kids too.

I must tell you most of the names in this story is been changed.

Ahmad who promised me the date, started to teach me some lines. For three days I tried to learn a Urdu line which says:” I want to become your friend “why I needed this line and how could I talked to her if even she says yes, don’t ask. Any way, I memorized the line and on the day, I was so happy which I am getting to know a lady.

Every one got ready and we looked like Hindi movies. Well when I am thinking about this set up, I could not call it anything since at the time it was wonderful however now I am thinking about it, it was ridicules.

When they said is worse than Iran, I should have believed it. We picked up every woman from one place, which looked like we are picking up some spies for CIA mission. Every female was covered completely. And with some secret tactics they were getting into the car. Well if Pakistani police were catching us they could make a colored TV series and show it in Black and white TV. After all the James bond movie scene that we went through, we got all the ladies and as soon as we got out of the town, they took the covers off. Dame they were fine women. No wonder they were covered.

After couple of days of wait, it came to the time I was going to meet my future girlfriend. I even wrote couple of line poems in English and Urdu in order to express my feeling and pretty much for breaking Ice.

When she got to the car, she did not take the cover off her face. I said to Ahmad, is this only my luck or she is shy? He said: no since she does not know you, as respect she is not taking the cover off her face. Well talk about bad luck. I said: could we get to the point of introduction so she can take off the mask. I like to see her face. He said you have to wait.

We got to the free zone, what every that meant. This was different type of weird Islamic rules. One part of the city it was ok and one side you had t be covered. Like God was in break in this part of town so there were no sin.

We got out of the car and every guy got his own woman and went for walk. Ahmad, the lady and me remained, he pointed at me, which go and talk to her. Finally she took the mask off. She was beautiful but not that much to be covered. Well I know it was for Islamic rules. Any way, I stayed in front of her. I was shy and did not know how to start. Ahmad went behind her and told me to repeat. I came to say one liner that I memorized, but I was too excited I forgot the line. I said to myself hell no. This is not the time to play stupid. Ahmad repeated one by one until I finished the line. As soon as I finished the line she answered in Urdu: no.  I asked what does that means. Ahmad said, means No.

I got upset and I said what do you mean no. We don’t have no. After 3 days of practicing and all we went through no she only says no. At least she could put some effort to say more. Ahmad said calm down. I will talk to her. Well after a short conversation. He explained to me which her ex- was from Iran as well and he left her empty handed and now she does not want to get involve with another one. And she knows you will leave too. Well I did not have any more to say. She had right to say no.

That was good experience and that day I became center of attention as usual and every women in the group were trying to ask question about Persian women or at least practicing their English.

Days were passing by and nothing was happening and less hope on UN. We I could not feel much since everything around me were new. Everyday something new was happening.

For instance I never forget the first time we went by a lake. Every guy took their cloths off and jumped to the lake and I was so shy to do that.

Mix culture of English and Hindi had some bad obvious on Pakistani culture. Like one side they were Muslim and the other side they were pissing on the sidewalk, as English people would do. But not in side walk toilets. While they were pissing as a Muslim they were sitting down without they care about ladies who were passing by. Which I never could do such thing. It was quite embarrassing. The guy who I was staying in his house came back and saw I am still in his place. I explained which I have good relationship with your relative and others in neighbor hood. So I like to stay here more. He said no like, I don’t want to, but you have to meet more Persian and they will help you to go on with your life rather than staying here. Well he was right. Instead of staying there and finding more friends which could not help me it was better to go with other Iranian.

Finally I came out of the house, and with suggestion of one the guys, I moved in with a Mullah, he told me since he is the men of God you can trust him and also he might cheer you up as well. I had 200 US dollar with me, so I was afraid to lose it. I did not have much to carry, so it was hard to hide the money too. First day he was wonderful.

One day I came home and I noticed couple of guys was watching TV. Renting a video recorder was hot at the time. So I said hi and went to my room. I went out and came back home again. And I noticed is still same movie and same scene. I though, there is something fishy is going on. When they left. I went and checked the VCR. Ok movie was fine and still same spot. I looked for rest of movies that I found out a porn movie. I knew it, they were watching porn and as soon as I was coming in they were switching it to normal movie, that’s why it was in same spot. I was totally shocked, Ayatollah and group porn watching???

It did not take so long to find out what kind of bastard he was. Next day I came back home and I saw my luck is broken. Right away I went to my book, yes one the 100-dollar bills was gone. I went to Mullah and complained. He took it very offensive and he asked me to move out right away. I took one of my friends and told him to translate the story, he could not help either. He was too upset. I said to my friend, he stole my money and now kicking me out and he is still upset???? I told him about porn movie too. He said, is better you forget about it, by saying more, you will make it worse. He has power and he is misusing it. So just give up, no one will believe you anyway.

I went and I got a room in a hotel, I though I should go and stick to my own kind. I found Iranian and the hotels they were staying. I though since they understand my pain I could trust them too. What mistake.

Well, as soon as they found out I am fresh blood, they asked me to move in with them. I said hell, where are you? I am in heaven. I gave up the hotel same night and moved in with a group, my instinct game me some wrong feeling. Some how I could not trust this guys either. First night in the room, I pretended I am sleeping; couple of guys was talking and were planning to pick my pocket. I rolled over and slept on my valet. Well, next day I was out of there. Of course in that room, I met Darius and Cyrus. Two brothers, which they were quite known, as what I was not sure. They were speaking the Urdu and Punjabi very good. So I got impressed, it was first time for me to see someone speaks other languages that good. When I moved out, Darius came with me too. We were going for a long walk; I was not in hurry to get to hotel since I knew they will pick your pocket if you fall in sleep. I got a room in very cheap hotel with Darius. Well we could not sleep even 10 minute, there were so many lice's, which we had to leave. Soon I got to know these two brothers and their friends Reza. Reza was from Isfehan and they were from Tehran. I found out later which this two brother have been here more than two years and there was nothing they haven’t done, of course in wrong ways. Reza came to Pakistan about 8 month.

One night, couple of guys went out for one of that long walk. We got in front of a beautiful building and garden. I found a bench and lied down and I am not sure how long it took I fell in sleep. A voice in Urdu woke me up: stand up. I woke up and noticed is only Police and I. He asked me what you are doing here. With sarcastic tone I answered, well I am not sure last time I checked I was dreaming and you just woke me up. He said, funny ha? As soon as he found out I am Iranian, he said you should come with us to the station. I heard what would happen to you if Pakistani police arrest you. That time of the night I did not have any choice and none of the guys were around so I followed them. I am not sure why others they left me there by myself. At police station, sergeant asked me; did you know where were you sleeping? Again with sarcastic tone I said yes, on the bench. He said no I mean, where was the bench? I said no, did I have to pay for it? He said no, you were sleeping in front of US embassy. What were you doing in front of US embassy? I answered, you just told me yourself, I was sleeping, he said why there? I said well, I could not find any clean place and I told him the real story. He asked me for my paper work, I just remembered Nazis military, which everywhere you were just a piece of paper. I said I don’t have any thing with me. He said you would go to jail till tomorrow which you show us your immigration paper. And if you say is the truth you will be free. I was never arrested and never was in jail and no in one night I was homeless and in jail, wow. Well, I could say so many time I got arrested with our own Nazis police, (committee) that was different, I knew what I have done, you could go to jail for just your hair and the way you wearing cloths, and if you were looking at any one of them straight in the eyes you were in jail, and you get bit up first and they were questioning you later. They were god gifted to man made Islam, Not Islam that came from God. In Iran if you were getting arrested by any of special police force and you were coming out you were getting special respect from people, no one were looking at you as criminal or bad guy, you were victim after all. And you were getting free hair cut too. They wanted to leave an initial so they were shaving your head. But Pakistan police was different story.

I should add which it was a while local people they were demonstrating against US and it’s politic in there, so me being there was not a good thing. After filling up some paper work which I did not understand what is it they send me to special room, but not inside the jail cell? Officer asked me stay there or sleeps on the bench. I sat down, I was talking to myself, at least over there was a garden and Bench was clean, meanwhile I am not sure if you heard of the joke about where ever you go, you hear a famous line: Hi, Are you Iranian too? Yes that was the line I heard, I was surprised, I turned my head and I saw a man behind the bars. I smiled. I answered yes I am why? He asked, “Why are you here?” I said, I am not sure, I was sleeping on the bench … and I am here, I am afraid they send me back to Iran. With confident voice said, don’t worry, if they wanted to do something, they would have done it by now. And look you are out of jail. I asked, what have you done? He said I cut taxi driver’s nose. I was like, what? He said yes that’s truth. I said that was funny but in real? He said I am saying we had fight and I cut his nose and put it in his hand. Yes he was telling the truth.

Any way, it was strange enough to hear it especially for me who I never had a crime or simple fight. After couple of hours, sergeant came back and said you are free; you can go but promise not to go around that building again. I went back in hurry and asked the others why did you leave my there, I was in police station … well for them was something very normal. They said you are lucky they let you out. That’s important. They don’t let any one out easy, at least not without bribe.

Next day, with Darius who had more experience and knew language came out of that hotel. These brothers they convinced me which waiting for UN is useless. And since I did not have any money, flying was not a good choice either, so we decided next solution. Going illegally to India. Cyrus talked me into it and left his brother with me and went to Lahore with Reza. They wanted to find out the best and cheapest way to pass the border.

They left for Lahore. Darius and me went to a cheap hotel, and when I say cheap, means cheap. First night, we came out, after almost one hour. As soon as we went to bed, the bugs they did not let us sleep. Well we almost ran out. Darius told me I have better idea. We can go to 6 rupee beds; they were quite famous in Karachi. Wooden bed beside the crowed road. Every night, you were paying 6 rupee and getting a comforter and next day you were out. Oh I said comforter, sounds very nice. These comforters they were so thick and so heavy which even me could not carry them and we had to drag them on top of us. The good thing was they were not moving from top of your body. Dirt and what ever it was stuffed in them and moist in the comforter were making them so heavy and the color was muddy gray instead of white. I was taking every thing as part of my experience and my journey and accepting them, as is my destiny so I was shot up. We had to go to bed almost mid night since there were so many trucks passing by and we had to get out of the bed since instead of birds singing, we had trucks noise and their pollution. Means not much of sleep either. We spent couple of night like that until Darius got fed up, imagine he was only 17 and had quite experience and if he gets fed up, what would I feel. Any way, he contacted his brother and after some sort of gang bang the decided we join them too. That was good news, no more 6 Rupee bed. We got train and left to Lahore. Darius was only 17 but master of disguise, what ever you say he was in bad way. And I had to suffer him too; I needed him and his language. I did not found out much about this too brother fast enough. I did not know their background or what they have done in the past or what they have not done. But in hope of a solution and finding a way to escape from this situation we went to Lahore. And I thought we had to be with them for next couple of days anyway so it’s not that bad.

Even though I had good job in a nice location in Karachi, and I was getting about 100 Rupees a day, but I had to leave, working in Karachi was not what I came to this country. I was not expecting being far from home to effect my emotions that fast, but sooner or later I was starting to feel homesick. And god that was not a good feeling. Every thing started to become problem and every little matter seemed bigger than it is. At my work, all the guys were nice and they were treating me nice and they were trying to make me feel at home. But it was not enough; I was missing something, which I was not sure what it is. One of the matters which were bothering me was, my plan was to come here to go to European country, more advance than ours not coming to a country which they were way behind ours. I was scared of fire, I jumped to boiling water. That’s what happened to me.

I did not have any plan, any idea what will happen to me next day and being away from family and many more, they gathered and made my mind go crazy. This country was worse than Iran, Islam was different, you could find porn movie in stores but you could not talk to a female because you could get arrested. Women could not wear certain clothes other side some they were all covered even faces. And in the middle of the night you could see a motorbike like driving discothèque with loud music playing on them. There were so many unusual rules and discipline, which they were under Islamic rules and country was fully equipped with drug and under united state control and complete westernized. Being Muslim meant to pee beside the sidewalk and sitting on your knees, or peeing on the church’s walls or eating with your bare hand. I was confused about Islamic rules back in Iran since Iranian government anything they did not like were changing them under the name of Islam and if it was not working in their favor that rules was gone next day and now these guys were worse. With little more freedom of course what you call freedom that’s the question. Well in total it was a left over soup which the cook was blind and deaf and had no sense of taste.

Iranians, they were doing any thing to get out of Pakistan, and some they accepted the situation. For instance we had 300 official Iranian prostitute, imagine how many more were not official? That was what I could not accept, my Iranian pride could not accept and Iranian women trade sex in a country like Pakistan because we had such a government. We had a group, which they baptized to Christ. When I met these groups some of them were worse than Islamic fanatic. They were more Catholic than pop.

Running away from Iranian government Islam and accepting Christianity, that was something. Poor Mohammad and Christ. Men do any kind of crime and sin under their name.

Traveling with Darius across Pakistan, which I was playing as his mom, was mix with some adventures too. We tried not to pay part of the way, and had some fight since he could understand words people they were making fun of us as foreigners. It was long trip and it was better than walking and it was good opportunity to see the country.

When we got to Lahore, Cyrus and Reza was expecting us. And of course Reza was quite upset from Cyrus and what he did to him as I had some stories to say about Darius. When we exchanged the stories which we did not want to accept the fact these brothers are nothing but crooks. Well we found out these two brothers they were almost fugitive from the city for what they have done here. No wonder their Punjabi was perfect. They were looking for trouble any where they were going. Any way we got placed in these two brothers uncles house. Wow, quell surprise; I did not even know that until we got to the city. Imagine. His uncle was almost Pakistani guy, he was married to a Paki woman and they had a one-year-old kid.  Uncle was architect and they seemed to be understanding couple. First couple of nights; they treated us as guest which was wonderful. But soon everything changed. Aunty, uncles’ wife, as we called her, found me a job without pay. Dah. As I said I was so naive that I had no idea what was going on. Reza became Nanny in the house; he was doing almost anything in that house. Soon they made me leave the house; the job was for the same reason too. The couple’s act changed completely and going to India got forgotten fast.  Aunty did not even want to talk to me. Slowly slowly he stopped me from seeing Reza too. And it got to the level that Cyrus threatened me and he tried to stab me with knife. Well I guess for my own sake it was better to forget their names too.

Soon I got friend with guys at work, well as I said I was not working, me being there was like gene pig in lab, I was a white foreigner which every one was enjoying to have me around. John was the first person accepted me as real friend. At work place every one was Christian. His English was poor but we got along very good. He was wonderful guy, in heart and his face. His act made me to trust him right away, his wonderful smile and kind heart. John found me temporary place to stay. Slowly going to India became a wish and story. John told me to stop talking about it since police finds out I will be in trouble. They could arrest me as spy. I told him no matter what I should go to India.

Reza officially stayed with family as Nanny, he was telling me he is not that happy, but he does not have much of choice, if he comes out he loses the place and free food. Two brothers they got disappeared.

While I was with John I had to change couple of places, either to live or work. Where ever I was going I was like a English speaking mouse lab. They wanted to have me around to tell every one we have a foreigner in our store. Days after days, the only thing was changing was my situation, it was getting worse. I was loosing weight and Rambo changed to Charlie Chaplin. I was missing workout days. But here only thing I had in mind was what to eat at lunch or what I will have for dinner, which most of the time was nothing but I still was thinking about it. When you get to this situation, every little matter becomes a big disaster. Like the day I had to go and find a free dentist. When they told me you have to pull your teeth out because you don’t have money to treat it, I was almost dying. I was swearing to everything, to my teeth, to my time and even God. Back in Iran I never went to doctor, here I got sick for bad diet and went to hospital. John was the only one beside my bed. When I came out of comma, he was trying to calm me down, and telling me it’s ok to cry. I don’t know why he knew I am too proud to cry. He said this happens to every one. It’s god’s will. I told him, I hate god too. Why I have to become sick. Why me?

Bashir, Stores owner that I was staying all day, he was a Punjabi speaking man, with a golden heart. I cannot describe this man; he was famous for his kindness. Unfortunately he could not speak one word of English. His Punjabi dialogue and they way he was speaking even though I could not understand him, made me feel like he understand me and cares. Most of his customers were Christians as well. John, with his poor English was interpreter for me. He was trying to learn Persian as well. As usual he learned all the bad words. Every one was trying to teach me little bit of Urdu.

There was a little kid; I never forget his face even though I have forgotten his name. He used to come and sit beside me and take my hand and saying I am his older brother. And was trying to teach me the words. He was pointing at things and saying their names.

They say life is a game, and we are players, I am not sure why life was playing with me like this. There are people they come to your life that you try to forget their name and faces and their people they come to your life, which you wish you could see them one more time. I promised myself, one day, when I am in a good position I go back and try to find these people. John, or this little guy, or Bashir were some of these people. I met people which I never had opportunity to say good-bye to them.

One day, the kid came and sat beside me and asked John to translate him. He called me his brother and asked me to accept him as my younger brother. He was trying to teach me Urdu because he wanted me to understand him. The problem was the state I was living was Punjabi speaking language, is like learning Persian in Turkish states of Iran, every one might understand Persian but their accent and dialogue is different. But these people they did not know English or even Urdu. I had couple of argue with some guys and I found out they are making fun of me. After that I decided to learn the language and stop people from talking behind my back or make fun of me on my face. John was trying to explain to me, which these guys are trying to show their excitement with making fun of me. For them is interesting to have some one different around. And they have a subject to talk about. Well maybe for them was fun, but for me was insult. Any was, that was good reason to learn the language. For instance since Urdu has made with Persian language we have a lots of words in common but with the accent has changed during the time. And some of the meaning of them. One day some one asked me, how are you? There was an expression with in Persian means you are a jackass. But in Urdu means how is your health, you can imagine when I heard the line what my reaction was.

I was heard which Lahore is center for Baha’ee’s followers but I never had a chance to meet any one. After long time being in this city I met Babak and Manoocher. Babak was Muslim, and two friends came together to Pakistan in hope of going to Europe together. This religion they had problem with Muslims, since all the problem government created for them like hunting them for even their lives. That’s why they did not want to accept any one between them unless being same religion. I used to live in Christian living area back in Iran. I never noticed any different between any of our neighbors. I never knew two humans being are different and they will be judged for what they believe. As soon as I came to Karachi, the first question they asked me what is your religion. And now every where I was going; they were treating me upon my language and religion. Now I understood what these people was feeling while they were in Iran. Because they were questioning my believes. I never looked at my friends different. I knew their names are not similar to Muslims but did not matter. That made me to respect them even more. I was never into politic and never was religious person, but now I started to understand you don’t have to be into politic in order to hate the government. Form what I knew from Islam meant every one is same, every one is brother no matter what color of skin or language or land you are from, and now we are not that far from our own land and they made us separate and made us to judge each other for what we have not done. Our sin was to look at our God in our own way, cherish him in different language and color.

I started to have different feeling about people. I never looked at my Christian friend different or I treat them like they are from different planet. After revolution religion was just an excuse to separate people from each other. I was judging Pakistani people for their religion as well with out even I know. I hated them not for my situation, for how they were living or what they believed. I never though what is the color of God, or what is his religion, even though I was calling names when I had problems, still his was in my side and he was my best friend. He helped me so many times. But isn’t he the best person to blame when we make a mistakes? Even a thief is looking for God when he is in trouble.

Any way, this new group of Iranian they accepted me as friend. First time I went to visit them, it was strange. I had a weird feeling. I felt there is something is going on. They served tea and started to discuss different subjects. Most of them, they were there more than one year. Wow, one year, for me seemed long time. They were comparing the times to being in military, which it was two years. Any one was under 3 month still considered as goof or rookie. After all I was under 3 month. They turned on the music on; Darius was singing a sad song (similar to Elton John’s Candle in the wind song) every one was quite. The song was almost finishing, that silent was kind of suspicious. I asked are you guys waiting for something. Or every one is in love? Or day dreaming? Manooch gave me a devils smile and said, no don’t worry we don’t mean anything bad. Song finished and every one screamed, I asked what happened? They said hey man; you don’t have much of heart. Babak told me, who ever come new, we play the song. If he is homesick he starts to cry and you are one of the hearts less that did not. And you passed the test. I told them come on, crying and me?? Well they did mean any harm.

I asked them, how do you guys write letters and how often? If you hear a love song and react like this? Manooch, smiled and said, first you come, you write to every god dame person, because you want to tell them you are free and living in a foreign country and you talk about every new thing you see. After a while problems start to pour, you don’t feel to write even to your parents. And it will come to a point which you don’t have enough money to buy stamp to write them. I could not believe what I was hearing. I said I love to write letters. I cannot imagine I don’t write to my parents I feel like is my duty to write them. I asked them how is it possible to think of them and not to miss them. Babak, looked at me with sarcastic look and said do you want to know? That feeling comes to you when, your Tea changes to Coffee and your ten letter you are writing in a month will changed to once a year and instead or saying yes in Persian you will keep saying ok in English, that’s the time you start to become like a wooden human, no heart, you will be cold blooded stranger among us.

They said letters, I never forget, first couple of month my mom used to say to every one my son is gone to military service and he will comes end of the month, she was afraid to blow up the cover still after weeks pass by. After couple of weeks, which she could not keep lying to family, she had to say he is gone to Holland and he is studying there.

Till came a time she had to prove her words, how? Member of the family asked her to show one of my letters to them. This means trouble. So she asked me to write a letter and pretend you are in Holland and in your hand writing say stuff about Holland. At the beginning it was just passing the words. And she was pretending I am saying hi in the phone, it was much easier. I did not have to lie.

Until my mom asked me to write about Holland. God. How could I write about a place I have never been?

Well I asked Babak, have you ever been in Holland? He said yes we all have been, we have a big map of National geographic, which every day we travel, for free all over the world in 80 min. I said stop goofing around, I need to write something and show I am there.

He said first of all I heard they write in special paper, so we have to find special paper for letters. And than we think of something to write in it. Well we went to hang out place, expensive hotels. They were cool and it was good place to run from heat. He told me we could find something there. While we were sitting in the lobby, Babak told me, those papers under the plants! Those papers seem like letter writing papers. We can steal some of them and you can write on them and they would think you are in Holland.

Probably you can imagine how we took the papers from under the plants so no one could find out, especially in the hotel lobby.

Now we had problem how to lie about the story. Every one suggested something. Babak like Ice cream a lot. He said write Holland has wonderful, colored ice cream. And write anything you say about them. Well our first letter was all about ice cream in Holland. It was harder than writing a SA about what would make you future brighter, money or studying? I used to talk to God most of the time; even he got tired of me. I called him couple of time; I guess he was too busy, even in his answering machine he was saying stop calling me dude!!!

It was difficult to lie about something you don’t even know or a place you have never been, imagine I was in a bad situation and I have lie and pretend I am in a better place.

After the first letter, I had to tell my mom, I am not going to write any one, tell them, I am too busy with university which I don’t have time to write. Well I am sure that was not good news, since I got disconnected from family as well. The good thing was, I did not have to lie about anything. Since none of them could not help any way.

Me and the new kids on the block we got friend and became closer, I still did not have chance to move in with them and become roommate. 3 of us, we became closer, enough to plan to escape to India together. And gee our plans were so complicated sometimes which even 007 or Indiana Jones was a kiddies stuff compare to ours. For instance we planned we tie ourselves under the train for all the way to Delhi. I guess we were watching too much Hindi movie. Soon, with a short period of being in Pakistan I became interpreter for others.

Days were passing by and every day we were coming up with different new plans. Which with most of them we were either dead or in jail by finishing the plan. And when we were not planning for anything we were trying to find food or work. For instance I never forget 2 days working in Afghani Kabob store. God, that was unbelievable. Sometimes Babak was getting call from this mini restaurant. One day he talked us into it and we decided to join him. For two days, we were working close the very hot oven, in a 50-degree weather temperature. So you can imagine. We had to wash dishes that we almost washed everything, even our body. We were sweating like pig. I am not sure if we were washing the dishes or they were washing us. And we were getting paid for twice a day food. End of the day I am not sure if we were happy for eating the food or for finishing the job. When I say restaurant I should correct the word little bit. It was kind of man made oven mixed with kitchen, pretty much every thing was in the same place in a 2 meter by 2 meter and next to it was two table. One of the poorest restaurants. Talk about sanitation. By the way, I would not recommend the restaurant to eat there.

We were trying to bring some food, in any cost. Of course in a decent way. Working in that city, especially if you don’t know any kind of work and not to have permission to work was not easy. I remember one day I found rice and bread, I took it to them; I say every one is almost half unconscious from starving and heat. We cook the rice half way and since we could not wait to prepare it completely, we rapped it inside the bread and pretty much swallowed it. You have no idea how delicious was the lunch. When I look back, I still don’t believe I went through those days. These kids were the most wonderful people who I ever met, there was only one problem with them, and they were smoking hash and wid. You might say, hey cool dude, well yap if you are in a good welt and in 10 times better situation, it might be good, but when you are in deep doodoo and you got to find a way to save your back and life is not a good idea to be out in a lala land. For our plan we needed a master mind, not crack head. Most of days, when I was hanging out with them, I was playing as housewife, at least that’s what we called the person in charge of every cooking and cleaning and making tea. One day we had a party of ten in the house, which they were smoking wid. Manoocher told me, today, you got to smoke too. I was not even smoking normal cigarette. I said no. The forced me to smoke. It got to the point which he put a knife on my neck and threaten me to smoke. I said I don’t want to smoke. Babak came and helped me and asked every one to leave me alone, he said he is not into this so don’t ever ask him again. One of the guys who hardly could talk, said, well every one is doing something (he meant smoking) he should do something too, to prove he is one us. I said you know what, you need some one to prepare food and tea, I can do that. Since than I became the nanny as they named me.

The other problem or concern we had in this town, which in everywhere you might see it, is commuting. Because we did not want to pay for bus or Taxi, not like we had money, we had to hitch hick. Which we were getting life with bikes to Luxury cars. I never thought there is anything wrong with this method, since I saw so many local people the use it too, until I got some marriage proposal and none of them were ladies. When I talked to the guys, they told me the real story. They explained to me which most of those who pick us up, they are homosexuals, which they are trying to get laid or other way around, they male prostitutes, which they are looking for clients. I never noticed at first, most of these drivers they were decent looking and rich and I always thought they couldn’t be in need of looking for love in a cheap way or at least this way. Until I got some of these drivers that as soon as they found out I am not into fooling around they rudely dropped me off. After that day I was trying to be careful whom I get life from? Well I should say after that day we started to become smarter too, and we were playing with some of stupid one.

I was spending most of the time with John, He was my closest friend and we trusted each other. One day he asked me to go to his places. He officially introduced me to his family and in front of them told me, my mom is like your mom; my sister is like your sister. I like to have you in my family as my brother and I want you to live with us. Later on which we got to understand each other better in matter of language, he explained to me which, I could not ask you to live with us, because our house was in middle or renovating and we did not have enough room. Even after I moved in John’s room was not complete yet, after a while when the whole house build, John and me shared his room. I gave the 2^nd US hundred dollars to John’s father. I did not know his father accepted the money for short period not for as my help to them. I could not believe the difference of a family, the man of god rubbed me and through me out of the house and now a simple Christian man would not even accept the money as payment for food or rent.

Most of conversation with this family was through eyes and sign language. And it was so amazing which we did not need to know much of a language to talk to each other’s. I could not understand their accent and language so we were talking with smiles and sign language. I was solving one problem and a new one was showing up. Problems which in normal situation you don’t even consider them as a problem, the seemed to be a huge deal.

I was the one, one day I passed the test of listening to music and be cool about it and no reaction to it. And I could not believe one day I could get so emotional who I could cry in front of a almost stranger family and did not care about my surrounding.

One night,; I was not in the right mood. I was angry with every body and trying to pick on any one was passing by. I came home, every one was at home; Mom let me use the type recorder to listen to my own music. She asked me put one of your own music that will help you to cheer up. She thought she is helping, in silent, she point at the type and told me, you are welcome to listen to music. I said ok. And I put one of Darius’s songs, “My dear brother “I did not even get to the 2^nd chores, which I became like spring’s clouds. I did not even care who is around me, I cried and cried. Poor mom, who gave me the type recorder to cheer me up, it was quite unexpected for her??? She ……. Had no idea what’s happening, she did not know what to do. She asked her daughter, do something. She said to her daughter take the type away, stop the song; whatever the song is made him cry. I asked no, let him sing and I grabbed the type recorder. After long time, crying made me feel so light. The funny part was, when John got home, they told him the story, he was trying to cheer me up and at the same time act like a elder brother and give me hard time, with both languages. He was making faces and trying to make fun of me. After we got cool down, he took me for bicycles ride. He was telling me you should teach me some bad words in Persian; so whenever I want to give you hard time no one understand them. He was so simple and so kind, very hard working and caring about his family. I always wished I could talk to him properly and we could understand each other more than some broken sentences.

Those friends I had around me they were a give from God. The colorful and strange stories I was hearing from other Persian, at the time it was just another story for me, since I was not in a good situation either, so I did not care much. They were all survival stories. However after the years past by, I feel I was lucky even I met those people. I was not sure, what kind of people or level I am dealing with. I did not know, John and his family’s situation, if they are rich or poor, or every other Pakistani friend I had. I was so involved with my own hunger, which I never tried to find out how they are making a living. I was just lucky they were decent people. One night, John asked me to follow him. He asked me to go to Bashir’s house. Bashir was wonderful man and big heart and he had always smiled on his face with a strong men’s face. Since he was owner of the store we were hanging out in there, I never thought, how he is living. When I entered to his house, well if I could call it house. I was totally shocked. It was smaller than one bedroom. Very small, yard and two little room inside each other. His wife and his kids were living together in that little house. For me, it was unbelievable. Maybe house was small, but his heart was big as a biggest castle. His wife asked us in and the way they treated us, I still could not forget it. John, looked at me, I knew he is trying to tell me something. In very simple words he told me life could be this was as well. Bashir was a Christian man, who his cross was hanging by his large mirror, beside his families’ picture.

His race was black Punjabi, for me who my government made me a raciest against my own people and different religion; he was what I was seeing. But you don’t have to be rocket scientist to realizes, you don’t look at his color of skin or religion or nationality to understand his kindness. That night he and his family gave me the best give in the world, and that was their smiles and hospitality.

One day that I was hanging out in Bashir’s store, some one came and told me, “Your mom was here to meet you” with shock, I answered, it’s almost impossible. If she wants to come, she will let me know. This is not a simple traveling. I found out a Persian lady is been looking for some one with my description, who they though is me. Pretty much every one knew me in that neighbor hood so it was very easy to spot me. Messenger told me don’t worry; she will come tomorrow as well. Next day she came again, and after a bogus introduction, she told me she could arrange for me to leave the county to France. Wow, that was a wish come through.  I said, lady, until now every one has step in to my life, some how tried to ripped me off one way or another, how is it which you just showed up and trying to play like an angel? Or Red Cross? And going to France, an almost impossible place to go.

Well, she did not explain more than that. Next day she came back in excuse of looking for a lost family. And talked about a very nice Pakistani man. She told me for little bit money he will try to send you to France and you should work and pay it back. He is rich so he does not care for advance. He is just trying to help people. With this much experience I already got, story was not something I could believe so fast. I said ok, it does not hurt to meet him. I was too desperate; I guess she could see it on my forehead. I went to Babak and explained the story. I said instead of India I want to go to France. He said you are kidding right? Or you are again hungry and talking nonsense??? I told him everything and asked if we can go together since they had more experience. I said I don’t want to walk in a place which I can not walk out. He said what the hell; we don’t have anything to lose.

Well we went to the address. There was a big beautiful house. I said for sure there are drug involved. When we entered, I asked about the lady. He said have a cup of tea and she will come. We sat down for a while, no one showed up, Babak told me, this guy is a crook; we should plan how to escape. We were making fun of the men we met. He was either a bi sexual or some one who was looking for some fun and adventure. After a while a 35 years old guy walked in with couple of passport and photos and showed them to us. And also that ladies photo as well. I said to Babak, yes this is the lady I met. When he got our trust little bit, he continued, she is gone last night. She had flight to Paris. I said I could guess that by myself, since instead of a live person you brought her picture. With a joke and sarcastic tone, I told him, seems like she was in hurry, we could get to know each other more. He said let me be honest with you guys, since I feel like you guys are understanding. I am into sex trade business, and looking for guys to hire. Babak told me, well that’s solves the mystery; I told you he is one of those motorcycle riders. And he is bi. The guy who had no idea what we are talking about, continue about how he will take us to Paris, we will get paid $500.00 US per week and every facility we need to live there and as soon as we sign the contract, he will prepare the passport and all the necessary documents.  Babak, with smile told me, we don’t have any thing to eat and this guy is asking if we are into sex. He should see me naked! Only couple of bones left of me. I said let him finish. He finished with; the contract will be for minimum of two years. Now it was my turn. I said, imagine, two years of playing for porn video, for sure our dads will see the types, and he will say, oh my God, look at my little son; oh he is big, wow, so sexy. After he finished, he said this lady accepted the deal and she is now in Paris. When you saw her, she was saying good-bye to her friends. I said well it was our bad luck; we could not say good-bye to her. He said I would leave you alone to think about it. As soon as he left, we finished all the cookies, and we were planning what we can do with $500.00 US money, and we had to work out too. We could eat well. What was missing in the picture? Well so far it was all the wishes most of us in that situation asking for it. Babak said, son of the bitch, he knows how to play with our minds. He came back and very calm, said, you don’t have to answer now, you can come back in couple of days and we can talk more.

We left with so many, thoughts and nice words. We could see a bright road out of Pakistan. Couple of days later I got a message who I should go and see this man again. And he asked me to go alone. I went to meet him, he repeated same story again. It was strange feeling, I was the person I had plan to tie myself under the train and go to India which is like you have seen it in the movies, but some how that was more fun than playing as a porn star. I knew that would involve drugs and other related stuff.

I was sitting and traveling in my dream, which he walked in and asked me to take my picture naked and have sex with me in order to test me to see how good I am. I said to myself, hell no, if you were beautiful princes or even and old lady with sexy body, I would sleep with you, but an ugly half black dude? In your dream. I am desperate not that desperate, hell is not frozen yet. Well looks like this was the excuse I was looking for, to get out of this deal, with out pissing him off, I told him is a wonderful plan, however I should think over more and I will let you know by tomorrow. How about that?

I went to Babak right away and told him the story, I said,” yap, Paris is there but you have to pass couple of driving tests, and hell you are not the driver if you know what I mean?” he said, “don’t worry, I will make him pay, but not for Paris, for even wishing to have sex with a Persian guy”. I kind of knew it was too easy and there is something behind the story, but now which I found out I was so mad enough even to kill the guy. Babak with his sense of humor, added, while those desperate Iranian ladies are around, some one thin and ugly like us does not have chance to pass the test. It’s unfortunate and shame which couple of Islamic countries like this, are using our situation and our women in their benefits. I told him, imagine how fucked up is this guy, with all these beautiful ladies, he wants to sleep with homeless guys like us.

Babak went back and he pretended he wants to accept the deal in my behalf. Or at least he wants to go first. We didn’t hear from him for couple of days, I started to get worry and was going to call the police. When he came back, he said, “You know me I had to make him pay. I followed him to Islam Abad, and made him treat me like a king, and finally left him some where on the road. I am not sure what exactly he did, but we never heard from that guy again.

My mom in Lahore

After a while we almost forgot about it and came back to our fantasy plans to escape to India. One day, I heard my mom is in town again. I said not again, where are we going this time? Berlin? Well this time with all the signs gave me, surprisingly, was my real mom. I was totally shocked. They told me, he came by with a man. But nothing more helpful, no address or phone number. I had to wait till next morning. I went through hell that night of thinking of my mom, with a stranger, here, in Lahore… how is that possible? Why I am not informed in advance.

With little information I had and John’s help we went and found them. Yes she was my real mom. I wish I could just describe my face. Well at least what I could figure it out from John’s face expression. Oh what I was wearing and what I looked like? I can describe that. I had the latest model of American pants. (I bought it from a market, which they were selling all the goods, which were coming from US to help Afghani’s war victims, but they were ending up in that market). I had an old spandex and ripped off sleepers with out socks and all the injuries and dried out skins all over my legs. And half of the body when I came out of Iran since I was keep losing weight.

When we got to the meeting place, my mom came out of the Rickshaw and as soon as she saw me, with very surprised face, started to cry. I am not sure if she was crying out of happiness or seeing me with that look. I did not know how to calm her down. I had nothing to say or I did not how describe it to her. On the way home, she explained to me which this trip happened suddenly that’s why she could not inform me in advance and the lady was with her, she was that man’s mom, who they came yesterday to find me. I was so shocked which I forgot there were two more ladies with her. A mom and her daughter. She added, “This lady and I, met at the train and I found out they are coming to visit their son as well, and seems like they know the way better and they know some English. So I asked them to help me out.”  On the way to place they were staying, my mom, who noticed my ripped off clothes and my injured foot, tried to hide her feeling and put it very nicely in front of our guest or host, she could not be silent any more and she said, “ what the heck has happened to you, why are looking like this.” With sarcastic tone answered her, well, Rambo is in diet. He is losing weight.” And of course these sleepers are in fashion here.” She could feel my sad smile. I told her welcome to Pakistan, mom! Well, seemed like a long trip with that Rickshaw, finally we got home, a beautiful young lady opened the door. She had still her scarf on, however she seemed like a nutty girl; she controlled herself not to do anything in front of our moms, which disgrace the family rules against boys and girls.

Well it was while since I was thinking about a girlfriend and relationship and as soon as I saw her, my heart started to talk to me in speed mode. Of course it did not take too long, since I remembered she is a beautiful tourist who is here to meet her brother, and who I am? A homeless without any future. I was in my thoughts, which I am sure her mom was reading my mind too; she tried to interrupt my thought, and asked her daughter to invite me inside. Like I came for marriage proposal.

Some how I did not get any good feeling with her mom, I cannot even remember her name. She started to race in some sort of competition with my mom in how the sons are good and how successful they are. Oh bad conversation, but hey it was Mom’s habits, I am sure my mom was losing the battle soon. I was almost started to believe some of this strange lady’s conversation, but it did not take too long, which all they became just a mirage.

After long time, that day I saw some wonderful Persian food on the table. I could not believe it. All of sudden I remembered my friends, as soon as I was going to get first bit, I lost my appetite. Some how I was feeling guilty to eat the food.

My mom asked,” What’s wrong, this is your favorite food.” I said, “ Yes, I know, I could not believe one day I could have this food again. I am just feeling guilty to eat it and my friends are hungry. And I am eating it today, what will happen when you go back?”  I am getting used to being homeless and staying hungry every day, I feel like this is just a dream and I don’t want to wake up.

She said,” don’t worry about your friends; I can cook for them as well.” My mom was trying to cover my situation from our host and she was not doing very good job. And the lady was keep talking about his god dame son. I had not even seen his son and I started to hate him. She was keep putting her son’s success stories into my face. Other strange thing was her daughter kept taking my side.

Our first day visit with this family was all power ride and some empty conversations. I was not sure I was happy to meet this family or angry with them. I found out, Mehrzad, her son, was one of the under cover Government agents who first came as student and he tried to stay but they did not let him so he joined to Iranian Embassy and spied against refugees. The problem was, he was trying to pretend he is real and not spies or undercover, he is just an ordinary student and not getting paid by government to work against other Iranians out of country. And his mom was trying to connect their family to Shah’s Royal family. Wow, what a combination. Mehrzad’s dad was one of the Shah’s Generals. So we had some fake argument between mom and son. Interesting was, couple of days before I met Mehrzad in the post office which was trying to pass some government documents and advertise about it. He did not notice me but his look was very obvious that he is from government.

More catholic than pop

After couple days spending together, all the truth came out. The only real person was Mehrnaz (his sister). She had simple heart, maybe that’s why she did not want to get involve with the politic side their family. Mehrzad was on of those who we call more catholic than pop, just because he did not make it as normal student and he became Government agent, he was thinking he is the one. He is been sent to be God’s messenger. After that, I tried to keep my mom away from them, since it was nothing but trouble. But some how, they were keep following us and for different reasons they were showing up.

Well if this was keep going as normal guest visiting I had no problem with it. But hell no, it had to be something behind it. Mr. Nice guy, he started to feel like he is been sent from God to save me. He tried to invite me to Islam. I did not have any thing against Islam; I did not like his Islam and the way he was getting advantage of it. Is like US Government, any thing happens, the put it under National Security and the screw innocent people? This style is very easy to convince people what they are doing is no a sin or mistake is just for sake of people. The difference was this guy was just a dust in the wind.

At first he simply asked me, “come back to Islam and I will help you go back to Iran without any trouble and going to jail.” But later on every thing changed. I was like. Hellooo. What the fuck you guys are thinking? Is it say a fool on my forehead or one of those note on my back, which it says kick me in the head. After all these years why some of these guys don’t get it or they don’t want to get it. After all I have been through, he wants to send me back, and he wants me to trust him! Not to be harmed, and who died and left you king of nowhere land?

I told him, you know what? I accept your Islam! What ever it is and I will accept Mohammad, but send me to Europe I will pray for you to get your hands on Heavens beauties. And you know what? I will make sure those heavenly ladies wait for you at heavens gate, how about that??? And don’t worry, even for all the sins you have done you end up with hell, I will wait for you in front of hell’s gate with bucket of ice to cheer you up. Since Iranian Government promises are not much of promises and they don’t have much of sense of humor, and he was part of it, he did not take my offer very seriously either. And situation got worse. And he started to ask more. If I did not like her sister and of course my mom was not there, I could help him to meet that Pakistani dude to go to Paris. But my hands were tide and he knew that.

After that wonderful heavenly offer, we stayed away from the family, my mom got more closer to John’s mom, even thought they could not understand each other at all. Some how they could understand each other very well.

One night, John’s mom cooked some veggies like the eggplant with a lot’s of hot chilies. When my mom saw how I was eating it, she told me, I thought you don’t like the eggplant. I said, yes I used to not like a lot’s of things, but now I am just happy to have something to eat. I looked at her, she was in tears, I was a kind of guy, rejecting almost most of the food she was cooking. Don’t take me wrong she was excellent cook but I was too spoiled.

Almost every day argued with my mom, infect it was not my mom which I had problem with, I guess I could not find any one better to talk to and I was trying explain my problem in a way of talking to her. She was always good listener, she found out what’s going on in Pakistan and this is not the gate of heaven they promised us, and she saw what has happened to me and most of others like me. Now she knew why I lost so much weight and why I could not continue lying on the fake letter papers and send it to my relatives. Some times I just want to close my eyes and forget about those days and forget about all those things happened to me, but it is not easy. She saw everything and she promised to change it when she goes back. She promised as soon as she goes back she arrange my escape out of the country. Some how, I had feeling it was going to be a long wait for that wish to come through.

It was almost time for her to go back. Mehrzad’s family tried to get close to us again, this time I knew something would happens. His mom invited us to their place to arrange their trip to go back together.

We went to visit them. Mehrnaz was alone at home. Oh that was a bad sign. That day I found out our looks and sign languages and her attentions are not just sexual attraction, it was more of love that got mixed up with our family problems. I got her some gifts as good-bye memories. Duran Duran, T-shirt and type since I knew it were her favorite. My mom felt it as usual however as usual who was trying to stop me from immature decisions, she did not stop me this time. Gee, I was feeling like some one’s last wish in execution chamber.

An Innocent love

I remember it was hot day; you could easy get sweet all over. When I say hot means really hot. Like those days, in love stories they give as example of lover’s feelings. I always wished one of those loves happened to me. You know what they say about wishing: be careful what you wish for, it might happen to you. When we got to their homes, her mom for the first time she left her daughter, my mom and me alone for short trip to drugstore. Mehrzad was in university as well. Seems like trouble. My mom suggested a cold shower for me to cool down; I was not sure, for which reason, hot weather or hot Mehrnaz? Who ever could see us at that moment could see from our look a high fever and passion in both of us. Young blooded couple that they were almost in love. Bad combination.

Mehrnaz gave me a devil look and smiled and said go get shower before my mom show up. I said ok, ok, you two lady want to get rid off me. When I was taking my cloths off, I noticed she is picking from the half door open.

She came toward me and asked me if she could help?!

I said, “Yes, but …” she opened the door and continued, “I don’t like us leave from here.”

I said, “I don’t want it either but we have to.”

She said, “I wish, either you come with me or I come with you.”

I said, “I would rather you come with me. But as you see I am just a homeless and no future.”

She said, “I have got strange feeling for you, whom I can not describe.” God, I guess it was for my situation, which I was just listening, and no feeling about it.

I said, “You mean, you …?”

She said, “Yes, I love you.”

I said, “Don’t you think you rushing in to it.”

She said, “Please, I want you believe me.”

I said, “it might be too soon to say it, but infect I have a feeling for you too. But there is gab between us.”

She said, “Somehow we will find a solution.”

I said, “well, ok but for now is better you leave otherwise if your mom shows up and see us in your bathroom, me half naked. It will be international disaster, and none of embassies are going to be helping us.”

I have strange habit, every time I get excited or angry, I start to joke around or mix the conversation with jokes. And this was one of those times. I was nerves, I wanted to be fair to both of us. But I had to face reality too.

I came to answer her that my towel fell down; I grabbed the other one with other hand.

Merhnaz’s eyes were shining, look at me with … and said, I like what I see. And answered back, yes I like what I see too, but not always you can have what you like.

She said,: you can have it all if you like.

I said, : thanks but no thanks, this is not a good place or good time for it.

She got closer to me. With I noticed I was sweating and it was not for hot temperature of course and turn almost red. I am sure she noticed it; since she gave me a devil smile and said, are you sure you don’t want it?

I said to myself, dawn, do you call this luck or what? Wrong time in a wrong place, story of my life…

I was trying to control myself, I kept my breath, and she got closer to me and closed her eyes.

Without any control I went toward her. I was afraid to do move incase I wake up from this beautiful dream I was in. I did not want this moment’s finish. I looked at her; she was a beauty, her gorgeous body and her hair on her shoulders, and her provocative breasts, which were trying to show off under her shirt and her beautiful scent. All together were driving me crazy. I tried not to stare at her body but I could not take my eyes off her. In the other hand I did not want to take advantage her either and change this beautiful moment to sexual desire. Slowly we kissed, I don’t know how long we were like that but I could feel the shack all over my body. I opened my eyes; she was still standing with her eyes closed. I kissed her quickly, like I wanted to check to see we are still real. Yes she was real. And I was not dreaming.

I felt like I am in heaven, she opened her eyes, I said, “sweetheart, I love you, now please get out of here.”

Even though it was a short time I was with her, however I felt something different about her. I don’t know, I don’t dare to call it love or lust. I wanted to be her too. Our relationship was quick and clean with out any of dirty politics.

She said, “I don’t want to leave your side anymore. We both woke up with voice of my mom which almost forgot about her and where we are.

Very firmly pushed her out side of the bathroom and closed the door. I was going to scream almost to everything around me, politic, war, counties and the entire thing caused this situation specially my own luck. After long time, this was the first good thing happened to me and now I had to push it out of the door. Well, even cold shower was not working on me anymore. With my unknown future I was not allowed to be in love either.

It was one of the only sweet moments in beginning in Pakistan. Some thing I could not do anything about it.

That day, his brother came home, and what I was expecting for long time happened. Some thing first it was just a friendly offer became a threat. He asked me to go back to Iran. I said, between all these Iranian who they are official refugees, you chose me, which I don’t even have, an official name for myself? Come on, give me a break; I don’t even know what will happen to me tomorrow. And you are offering me something, which is almost impossible.

That day was the last time I met Mehrnaz. I gave her, her presents and explained everything in a short letter. Unfortunately, I could not leave any number or any thing to keep in touch; I didn’t have anything, which I could leave it with her.

I guess by not accepting Mehrzad’s offer, I pissed him off. And he chose different way; he asked me a list of the names from  Bahayee’s refugee. I said you are kidding, right? Who do you think I am CIA? Even if I had such list, I would not pass it to you. Not even those couple of friends I knew. When I heard this, I asked my mom, to leave this family and don’t contact them what so ever. While we were going back on the bus, when I was explaining what happened and I was telling my mom about letter, Mehrzad was listening to our conversation. This guy was quite class act. He liked playing spy games. He asked me to pass him her sister letter. I denied the letter and I tried to through it out of the window. He stopped the bus and stopped the traffic to find the letter. Well but did not wait for him, so that gave me a chance to disappear, incase he start to ask for more. He thought he is going to find information in that letter.

Next day, my mom was supposed to fly to Karachi and from there to Iran. He could not find out about my mom flight, but he went to Karachi to stop my mom from flying to Iran. He was trying to prove how capable he is to hurt us. Of course he was in some sort of power ride, he was trying to get advantage of his position with Government. He was lucky, my mom went back safe. He did not realize one thing, I didn’t have anything to lose and every one has a limit too. I was waiting for my mom to go back safe, she was my weakness. But god forbids if anything happed to my mom, than I had to fight back. He was one of those who are trying to misuse the name Islam and under that flag do any of their own dirty works. Which we have so many of them in Iran.

After that day, I had to stop seeing any of my Bahayee’s friends, incase if he found out their addresses or names. I did not want to hurt them.

Worse is worse, but worse than what?

He was the least problem I had. Semi civil war and some terrorist act were happening in Karachi. I never found out who they were, but with their bombing some places, our situation got worse. Police started to search and identify all the foreigners for safety issues. I was lucky, I had a quite good back ground and most of police in my neighborhoods knew me. And when they came to Bashir’s store, every one put good word for me. Police officers assured me from their protections and they said they trust me in every way. Well that was relieved. They asked me if anyone bothered me to call them. This time I remembered Mehrzad. I though I started to get revenge, but I had different goal. Fight back and mixing police at that time, it might keep me back from going to India. So I hide the story from every one. The minus point was for safety of the other friends I decided to leave John’s place and not to contact any one anymore. I went back to become complete homeless again. Every night I had to sleep somewhere. One of my Philippines friends helped me to sleep in a doctor’s office and work in a Chinese restaurant. Well the chef was from Sri-lanka and co-workers were from Bangladesh. Wow, what a combination, the only nation we did not have in Chinese restaurant was Chinese. Well soon I had to leave the job too. So I had to sneak to the restaurant and chef and others were giving me food.  They were wonderful group, all these changing places, and not to be able to get shower for couple of days caused me some sort of skin disease.

Finally I had to tell the chef, which I want to go to India. The problem was it was bad timing. I did not want anybody think I am one of the reasons for Karachi’s bombing. Why in that situation I want to leave the country and every night I stay in one place. In the other hand I still had Mehrzad as well.

I was with them enough to convince them I am just a simple homeless, which want to move on with my life. So they decided to help me out. Dame, they were good. They were coming from Bangladesh to work here, no passport and no nothing. And it was quite distance to travel illegally. So we started to get to know the map and plan. I could hardly understand their Urdu or even Hindi. I had to grow beard in order to change my look. Well I started to push them to speed up the process. My face and my skin disease were getting worse. Blisters on my face were getting more and more. Even they did not want to shack hand with me any more. Situation got worse than ever I could imagine. Until one of chefs decided to help me out of the program. Meanwhile, situation between India and Pakistan was getting mixed up too. Every one blaming each other for the bombing and they were getting ready at the borders.

I started to go over the plan and map and any tricks had to learn for passing the border with this cook. When I told them about my story about how I passed the Iranian border, they told me, compare to what you have done, this is piece of cake. I did not know If they are telling me to truth or they are trying to encourage me for doing the job. Well between most of Iranian at that time I paid more than every one, they used pretty much every kind of method to travel me and I guess it took longer than normal. 30 hour of walking or even 3 hour of camel ridding, hey they were not the most glamour way of traveling.

Crossing Pakistan and India border

After 6 month of going almost through hell, finally I got to day I had to pass the border with some one I could not ever imagine become my guide or co traveler.

While I was with these group of cooks and chefs, I never notice anything wrong with them or habit which I name them as smugglers or else. So besides being thankful for what they did for me, I never wanted to call them anything. Just unknown friends. Well my bad luck, my guide look was worse than me. He was way darker skin than local people, so he could get point at very easy. When we got the first border city, police spotted him and since he found out, he disappeared with out tell me anything. I did not know what I should do, so I went back to Lahore again. I told the story to others, they said, “don’t worry, he will show up.”

You did right thing you came back. He came back and he admitted that he got scared. And not because he is been spotted, we had to wait for couple of days.

I told them, sorry dude, you don’t have my situation, I feel like I have Leprosy, no one wants to talk to me, or a psycho is chasing you from Embassy, or not having money for food or place to stay. And I don’t want you guys keep helping me. I have to go. I guess he was waiting to hear this. He said, hey I thought you all the map and ways, so go by yourself. You have enough experience and good motive to do that. I told him, nice try. But I did not have any choice, I asked him, at least take me to the same city, and I will go from there. Some how he was right. I had talked about going to so many people that I felt I know everything. I had experience of smuggler. And my situation was not good enough to be able to stay anyway. John gave me my money back and told me you need this money more than us. I took minimum cloths I had and hid the money and got ready to go.

We got to the border city, and my guide went back as soon as we got there. I had no other option except keep going. Maybe if I was not in that situation, I never could do such thing. From the point I was standing I had still a while I had to go in order to get the border. Walking by myself, was just attracting others attention. So I got a horse carriage, and I told him I pay extra in order to get me privately. Going to that far probably was about less than 10 rupees, when we got to the border town, I remembered I have only two 5 hundred rupees. And I did not have any change, so I had to give him that, and asked him, please please bring the change. Well he found out I am not a normal tourist at that time of the evening and some one who gives 500 rupees, should be rich. He never came back of course, stupid of me, but I had not choice, going back the same distance, was almost impossible. And I could not get arrested in that area.

Well I hid in the bushes. I grow long beard and my skin got darker than normal since I was in the sun all the time, I could talk Urdu pretty close to the same accent, at least I could say I am from Kashmir, since I got that couple of time from Locals when I was talking to them. Now this was one of the scenes from Papillion movie.

Papillion V/S Rambo

Difficulties and life experiences makes a man out of you, what kind? That’s the question. In this case made me to move on. By the time I got to the actual border, it was completely dark. I got to the first farm and hid behind the trees. I changed my sleepers with new knock off Nike shoes, which my mom brought it for me. I got the Kong fu pants; same one, which I had when I came to Pakistan, or I used it in our martial arts, practices or even, dances competitions. Trust me if this pants could talk, he had a lots to stories to say. Maybe lots of complaints.

I fold the rest of cloth and tide them up on my back. I put the rest of the money and hid it in my underwear and put the piece of bread in sealed plastic. The only thing I had with me it was my new digital watch, which I got it for 1 rupee. I was going to through it away, since it was shining under the moonlight. But I said, hell with it, if they want to see me they will. I got black mud and rubbed it all over my face. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando had to be come handy. Now I was looking